Beginnings

 

I started writing in my teens, after a few visits to a counselor in Hidden Springs.  He suggested that I keep a journal of my experiences and feelings, to help me work out some of the things I had been going through. 

When I was a young teenager, I had written this letter to my mom, pretty much begging her to spend more time with us.  When she found the letter, she took me to see this counselor in town...

 

I was happy to talk to someone. Speaking to the four walls and the voices in my head wasn't exactly the best thing.
"Sage, how old are you?"
"Just turned teen, sir."
"You're the one who wrote the letter to your mother?"
"Yes, sir, I did."
“Why did you write the letter to your mother?”
"It was the only way I figured I could get through to her. She -- she doesn't listen otherwise."



"You don't think your mother listens to you?"
I took a deep breath. "It's -- it's not just that I don't think she listens. I'm not sure she even cares. I mean, we're strangers in our own house. We hardly know each other."



"Why do you think you and your mother hardly know each other?"
"Because she's working all the time."
“What kind of work does your mother do?”
“She’s – she’s – she’s an adventurer.”
“Adventurer?”
“Travels all over the world. Archaeology, paranormal studies, history lectures.”
“She’s in academia.”
“I guess you can say that.”
"I'm sure your mom cares. She -- she just isn't sure how to show you that she cares. If I get her some classes to help with you and your brothers and sisters, do you think that things will get better?"

 

Next Dr. McGaw called my mom in. Mom, as usual, was defiant. I heard nothing in her voice that made me think that she actually thinks like a parent. At least at first.
“I think I’ll cut right to the chase. I have spoken at length with your daughter – and I have to tell you – she is very – I can’t say she’s angry, because anger is not the emotion I’m looking for here – but she’s quite frustrated with you.”
“I don’t see why. I give that girl – and all my kids – I give them everything.”
“Except yourself.”
“Are you kidding me? I don’t come home from work until three in the morning. The kids are in bed by then.”
“What kind of work do you do, Savannah?”
“I’m a paranormal expert. Right now I go around town collecting spirits and detecting paranormal activity.”



“Tell me this truthfully, Savannah. Has your job interfered with your ability to be a good parent?”
I took a deep breath. “Well, I haven’t spent as much time with my children as I would have liked due to my career, if that’s what you mean.”
“Would you consider yourself a workaholic, Savannah?”
“Uh – I, uh, happen to enjoy my work, if that’s what you’re saying.”
“Do you bring your work home?”
“Sometimes.”
“Your daughter tells me that they don’t see you for days at a time. Sometimes weeks, all because of your job.”
“My career requires me to travel a lot.”
“And you enjoy traveling.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Do you enjoy traveling because it takes you away from your children for long stretches at a time?”
“I like traveling because it allows me to learn things about different cultures.”



I liked that Dr. McGaw actually called her out on these statements, in a way I never could. "You never wanted kids, didn't you?"
"What are you talking about?" she yelled. "Of course I wanted kids."
"Tell me the truth, Savannah. You never wanted children. You wanted to continue to live your free adventurous life and you resent your children for ending that life. You continued to travel after AJ was born and you had to quit traveling after this girl was born --"
Finally I heard some tears from my mother. So that was it. I ended her adventuring life when I was conceived in China.



"I had taken AJ to term and everything was fine," mom began, "I was in the middle of a very important quest in China when I got pregnant with Sage. I had developed a virus there. Both she and I were in danger of dying. I had to go back home to Sunset Valley, have her --" In that one split second, I actually heard her cry. My mom NEVER cries. I mean, dad said she didn't even cry at her wedding or at her brother's funeral. She's my mother and I love her... but I wish she would be more honest.